I’ve been criticised my entire adult life for being TOO outspoken, and TOO opinionated, and TOO bold, and TOO strong-willed.
I grew up in a home with a highly dysfunctional mother who made it very clear to me that I had little value to her. I would take this message with me as I grew up and over time, it morphed into a total lack of self-worth. I was certain that I didn’t matter to anyone and so I wouldn’t matter to me. I was bitter, angry, sad, and mostly, lonely – because I kept everyone at an arms reach so they couldn’t see just how worthless I “really” was.
After nearly losing my life to anorexia in my mid-20’s, I began my path to take back my life and build a solid foundation on which to love myself. Along the way there were several obstacles which included medical issues, financial issues, relationship issues…and the biggest obstacle: the murder of my step-father, then a year later, the arrest of my own mother for the murder. These events turned my life upside down and left me scrambling to find my balance while in the chaos of an investigation, a funeral, my own divorce, a relapse of my eating disorder, and finally – the reality that my painful past with my mother, that I had neatly tucked away – was now RIGHT in front of my face, throwing those old messages at me while I tried to rally and cope AND take care of the family who denied that my past was factual.
That single event and the two years since, has proven to be invaluable to me in my personal, emotional, and spiritual development. I have had to work tirelessly to overcome those messages every single hour of the day and while some days were unsuccessful, I kept forging ahead. I have had to look the traditional definition of “family” in the face, and finally admit to myself: You never had this, you will never have it from THEM. Make your own. Your reality, your TRUTH, and your future – is yours. My mother took my power from me as a child and as an adult, after so very many theoretical kicks-in-the-face, I found it and I took it.
So…. TOO outspoken, TOO opinionated, TOO bold, and TOO strong-willed? Damn right. I earned it, and I am not apologizing for it.
The end result, which is still very much a work in progress: A strong, determined, dedicated, loving, DAMN hard-working mama with two successful businesses that represent everything that is important to me. I run a daycare which allows me to prove to myself that there IS at least ONE safe place for children in this world, where they can grow, learn, love, and be THEMSELVES. I’m also a Fitness Consultant – a business that allows me to help others find their value and potential through physical wellness, and one that arms them with the knowledge they need to live a healthy lifestyle the REST of their lives. The last part is all for me: I am a bodybuilder. I work every day on my diet and training to build a body that at one single glance says: hard-working, dedicated, and strong.
I definitely fought the preconceived notions of what a sweet, passive, obedient daughter is supposed to do with life’s trials….and I won.