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"Winter Safety"
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Winter Safety
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Winter Safety

by Paul Taylor on December 7, 2011 at 12:00 am
Story: Wapsi-Archive
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Discussion (79) ¬

  1. Atomic
    December 7, 2011, 12:57 am | # | Reply

    Welcome back Kevin!

    • RSinAustin
      December 7, 2011, 1:52 am | # | Reply

      Who? Oh yeah! It’s been a while 🙂

  2. Casey
    December 7, 2011, 1:06 am | # | Reply

    It’s going to attack her now, if only because she doesn’t expect it.

    • jwhouk
      December 7, 2011, 9:20 am | # | Reply

      NOBODY EXPECTS THE SNOWMAN INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • MasterDiver
      December 7, 2011, 9:47 am | # | Reply

      Thinking snow? Read SNOW FURY by Richard Colton:
      “The snow had come early to New Hampshire. Nothing sinister about that. But a strange light, like moonshine, rose wherever it lay. People became uneasy. A young couple, whose car had been trapped in a drift, were found dead with their faces shrunken beyond recognition. What was there about the snow that brought death? Then David Storm discovered the most horrible fact of all…”

      • MasterDiver
        December 7, 2011, 9:49 am | #

        Correction:
        Author is Richard Colt Holden. I’m trying to type with one arm in a cast and I get strange results!!

      • FatUncle
        December 7, 2011, 7:38 pm | #

        Good heavens! What did you do to yourself?

      • NOTDilbert
        December 8, 2011, 3:11 am | #

        Maybe he backed over his arm trying to parallel park….

      • MasterDiver
        December 8, 2011, 7:41 am | #

        Actally, I had surgery to remove an arthitic bone from under my thumb, and they had to use power tools to grind out the calcified deposits before they could get to the bone! Thank Ghu I slept through it!

  3. Yamara
    December 7, 2011, 1:07 am | # | Reply

    Uh, Monica, Winter Solstice is on December 22 this year.

    It’s still autumn.

    (Cue Wile E. Coyote disaster shadow forming around her.)

    • Paula
      December 7, 2011, 2:34 am | # | Reply

      never knew that changed the date.
      really need to read more about that solstice thing ^^
      all i really know about it is that its the reason we celebrate chrstmas on 25th december instead of sometime in the summer 🙂

    • zacharaiaha
      December 7, 2011, 5:27 am | # | Reply

      Actually Monica is pretty safe right now. This late into a Minnesota winter the forces of the frost giants have a firm grip on midgard and snow is not allowed to much freedom. Kevin on the other hand has indeed mutter the fatel words and drawn the attention of the norns. It’s a lot like saying “Well things can’t get worse!”. So let’s move that shadow from Monica to Keven and then all run for cover.

      • Casey
        December 7, 2011, 10:31 am | #

        Exactly! Taunting the snow never works out, as Shelly learned here.

      • Yamara
        December 7, 2011, 10:50 am | #

        This time she’s made the mistake of expressing relief. She should have stuck to grim resignation, it’s much safer with things like this.

        It’s the old wisdom of not tempting the gods. Kevin honestly thinks it’s superstition, but Mon has recently been told that there really are extradimensional gods out there beyond the vimana veil. Time to do the math, Sunshine.

    • Zhiwu
      December 7, 2011, 9:33 am | # | Reply

      The calendar and the official start to the seasons has little to do with much of anything in [s]some[/s] most places. In northern states Autumn may only last 4 weeks as winter arrives in either late October or early November. We locally went from 90 degree days to snow in about 5 weeks this year. Then there is a fifth season called Mud Season that sticks around for about a month. The solstices and equinoctials may be set in stone but the traditional definitions of the seasons are mostly meaningless in many places.

      • Casey
        December 7, 2011, 6:31 pm | #

        Where I live we have two seasons: the rainy season, and the rainier season. Okay, maybe it doesn’t rain that much, but we did only get a few weeks of summer this past year (summer being defined here as days when the temperature gets above 65 Fahrenheit, and there’s maybe a little sun). Not a ton of snow, though. Still, we’ve learned not to taunt the rain.

      • FatUncle
        December 7, 2011, 7:42 pm | #

        Someone was telling me the other day that Minnesota has only two seasons – snow, and road repair.

      • Dave
        December 7, 2011, 8:03 pm | #

        According to Eddi McCandry, it’s “snow removal and road repair… or, sometimes, snow repair and road removal.”

    • Cherish Bloom
      December 7, 2011, 9:57 am | # | Reply

      Actually, winter starts at around November 1st. Winter Solstice is the middle, or peak, of winter-time.

      Had a meteorologist explain that to me.

      • Yamara
        December 7, 2011, 10:41 am | #

        Wikipedia:

        “Astronomically, the winter solstice, being the day of the year which has fewest hours of daylight, ought to be the middle of the season,[4][5] but seasonal lag means that the coldest period normally follows the solstice by a few weeks. In the USA (and sometimes in Britain) the season is regarded as beginning at the solstice and ending on the following equinox[6][7] — in the Northern Hemisphere, depending on the year, this corresponds to the period between 21 or 22 December and 20 or 21 March. In the UK, meteorologists consider winter to be the three coldest months of December, January and February.[8]”

        While seasons are very subjective measures of time (South Asia, for instance, has very different constructs of seasons) it’s still the fact that Monica is in the United States and Mother Nature is not going let any technicality go unrewarded.

        Also, she should poit Kevin for a day vacation to Australia, where it is already summer.

  4. Fnord
    December 7, 2011, 1:08 am | # | Reply

    Snow always did act flakey … catch my drift?

    • Paula
      December 7, 2011, 2:38 am | # | Reply

      *holds up a sign which points to the pun jar*

      y’know if we really did have a pun jar there would have been a major contribution to charity this year ^^

      Or we would have been able to buy monicas favourite drink..by the bottle 🙂

      • Fairportfan
        December 7, 2011, 7:17 am | #

        Or Echidna Martinis all ’round.

  5. Kyrain
    December 7, 2011, 1:08 am | # | Reply

    Hmm… or is there a Yuki-onna who’s just waiting to be introduced?

    • NOTDilbert
      December 7, 2011, 2:24 am | # | Reply

      Now THAT would be interesting – a Japanese mythic figure also stuck in the American Midwest. Bet she would have a very interesting backstory…….

  6. SoWhyMe
    December 7, 2011, 1:21 am | # | Reply

    Oh dear. So the sneaky snow slam is catching.

  7. Dave
    December 7, 2011, 1:21 am | # | Reply

    Well, there’s always a bit of good to the snow, along with all the slushy attacky nasty aspects. Monica probably won’t have had any problem collecting enough snow to make a nice comforting cold-pack to soothe that nasty bump she’s had on her head for the past few days.

  8. Wolf
    December 7, 2011, 1:27 am | # | Reply

    Scene:

    Mid-spring, Monica, Kevin, and Deitzel walking in the park.

    Mischevious smile on Monica’s face, then: *poit* SPLAT!!!

    Monica bending over the now snow-buried Kevin, smiling every so sweetly, saying “Remember last winter when you said “It’s snow, I don’t believe it can think.” ?

    • SoWhyMe
      December 7, 2011, 1:33 am | # | Reply

      And who is to say Monica wouldn’t have poited it onto Kevin just to make her prophecy come to pass. For that matter, how do we know some other poiter hasn’t been aiming a poited load at Monica for the past several seasons just for chuckles?

      • Paula
        December 7, 2011, 2:32 am | #

        y’know, that’s something i would do if i had poiting power.
        that and poiting my enemies when they’re in the toilet to the main shopping precinct 😀

      • FatUncle
        December 7, 2011, 3:42 am | #

        Remind me to never, ever, get you mad at me.

      • CPUGuy1
        December 7, 2011, 5:51 am | #

        Ditto …
        (*whimper*)

      • scantrontb
        December 7, 2011, 8:05 am | #

        has this happened since Monica discovered her Poiting power?… what if instead of the bra incident being the first time she poited, it was actually her subconscious poiting the snow onto her, knowing that it would reduce her tension overall, even though it got her conscience spun up for a short while?

      • SoWhyMe
        December 7, 2011, 11:00 am | #

        That could be too. A bit like the Krell; monsters of the id.

      • Dave
        December 7, 2011, 11:21 am | #

        Or like “alien hand” syndrome… one of the weirder maladies!

      • scantrontb
        December 7, 2011, 8:04 pm | #

        Actually, the Krell were the race of people who INVENTED that gigantic machine, not the monsters themselves… also, just to make sure; the Monster of the ID that we SAW was actually the monster from Dr. Morbius’s mind… NOT one from the Krells minds, as they had died out bazillions of years earlier and therefore there were no Krell minds to manifest from any longer. but Hey! you know what they say: Great Minds Think Alike!… at least we saw and remembered the same movies…

      • SoWhyMe
        December 7, 2011, 9:29 pm | #

        Yes, I know. My quick reference was only meant to point out a similarity to the premise in the movie and the possibility of unknown consequences of Monica’s poiting powers. Especially in the area of the subconscious.

        I’m surprised there has not been a remake of that movie yet. Not that I would want to see it if there was. Given modern trends, all a remake would likely do is add better special effects and very gory and higher body count. Completely overshadowing the great plot. Though the original Robby costume is still available I believe.

      • Dave
        December 8, 2011, 12:22 am | #

        Fancier special effects, sure… but better? I still think that the “sphinx-like Id Monster, outlined in fire from blasters and force field” effect was one of the more effective bits of SFX ever done. Simple by today’s standards, but it suited the situation beautifully.

      • SoWhyMe
        December 8, 2011, 1:21 am | #

        Absotivly posilutely. Great and memorable effect. Sound too.

  9. Novalpha
    December 7, 2011, 1:38 am | # | Reply

    So, so true!
    Not only does snow think, it feels as well…and Kevin here just hurted its feelings so hard…and he hasn’t any idea how evil, twisted and dangerously cold and wet is an upset snow!

    • Dave
      December 7, 2011, 1:44 am | # | Reply

      Actually, Kevin is half-right.

      Snow usually doesn’t think. It doesn’t need to. It attacks its tormentors and doubters by pure, elemental instinct.

      • Paula
        December 7, 2011, 2:30 am | #

        hmm
        name calling doesn’t bother it.

        maybe i should use a hair dryer? 😀

    • Paula
      December 7, 2011, 2:29 am | # | Reply

      you know some evil snow.
      send it my way.
      i live in england 🙂

      (last year we did get snow .. eventually but had two weeks where it fell in a circle around where i live. the north had it. the east west and south. my house? nada…)

      • Dave
        December 7, 2011, 7:26 am | #

        Paula,
        I’ve got a similar story from where I grew up. It could be a full-on blizzard less than seven miles (~11.25 km) away, but clear, sunny and 50 deg F (10 C) at my childhood home.

        Also, “30% chance of rain” meant that about 1/3 of the lawn would get rained on. It was freaky.

        Not for nothing did we say we lived in the “Twilight Zone” of weather.

    • Cherish Bloom
      December 7, 2011, 9:54 am | # | Reply

      Hell hath no flurry than a winter stormed!

  10. Paula
    December 7, 2011, 2:26 am | # | Reply

    I tend to dare the snow to attack me. i make fun of the pathetic flakes that melt as soon as they touch the ground 😛
    Maybe that’s the secret to not getting snow? 🙂

    • FatUncle
      December 7, 2011, 3:40 am | # | Reply

      Dunno about snow, but it doesn’t work very well for hurricanes.

      • Fairportfan
        December 7, 2011, 7:15 am | #

        WHat do you mean?

        Works great for snow in Louisiana and for hurricanes in Wisconsin…

      • Julie
        December 7, 2011, 11:34 am | #

        I don’t know about that anymore. When I left home this morning, my weather update on my phone told me that the current temp was 25, and that it was 2 degrees warmer in Milwaukee (I live in Dallas). The weather may be getting tricksy this year.

        (Disclaimer: This commenter is well aware that this flip-flop of “who’s coldest” will not last any farther into the season…she just feels a little broken that this even happened in the first place.)

      • FatUncle
        December 7, 2011, 7:48 pm | #

        Dang. That’s my whole problem. I think on too small a scale.

  11. FatUncle
    December 7, 2011, 3:44 am | # | Reply

    Gee, Kevin is going gray? No color in his, um, “beard”.

    • Jabberwonky
      December 7, 2011, 1:16 pm | # | Reply

      To quote Winston Zeddmore:
      “I’ve seen shit that would turn your hair white!”

    • harukohoshiko
      December 7, 2011, 1:28 pm | # | Reply

      My guess is it’s a mistake that Paul hasn’t caught yet.

    • Bucc-i
      December 7, 2011, 4:27 pm | # | Reply

      He has snow in his beard. What you don’t believe me?
      Just look at this poor guy:
      http://www.hillcountryboys.com/images/SnowBeard.jpg

      • Kessog
        December 7, 2011, 6:46 pm | #

        Ah, the good ol’ snotsicles.

  12. JeffEpp
    December 7, 2011, 4:41 am | # | Reply

    Methinks that this foreshadows the other scooby boyfriends are going to be enlisted to help when officer whats-his-name gets “the Talk”.

    • donoho
      December 7, 2011, 6:43 am | # | Reply

      oooh. That’d be cool.

      • TheDoctor
        December 7, 2011, 10:16 am | #

        Yeah, In fact if this is planned right Shelly and Justin should be comeing down the street with some hot coffee right …about…………..NOW!

  13. chibichibi
    December 7, 2011, 8:25 am | # | Reply

    Oooh! Nice to see him again. It’s been a while.

    I wish i lived in a place with snow. Instead it’s 80 degrees here in good ol’ Georgia. Stupid Southern US.

    • Cherish Bloom
      December 7, 2011, 9:52 am | # | Reply

      It has been my experience that Georgia gets snow twice a year. Once in December, and once in January. However, it only stays snow for ten minutes, after which it turns to slush and is annoying to drive through!!

      Peachtree should be re-named Slushstreet!

    • Den
      December 7, 2011, 9:56 am | # | Reply

      Don’t worry – your time is coming. I’ve seen the signs that started appearing on bridges in Georgia ten or twenty years ago – “Caution: Bridge may ice in winter.” And just like it does in Texas, when you do get a little snowfall, the whole place closes down.

      Snow is coming…

      • Julie
        December 7, 2011, 11:40 am | #

        I love that about living in Texas. No shoveling, but you still get time off work to enjoy the fact that occasionally white stuff does fall from the sky.

        Just don’t try driving in any weather other than sunny when temps are in the 30’s or lower (never mind if it’s below freezing or not…or if there is any precipitation or not). 😛

      • Fairportfan
        December 7, 2011, 2:25 pm | #

        More like forty-some years ag; certainly by 1976…

      • scantrontb
        December 7, 2011, 8:13 pm | #

        My family is originally from Michigan, and my sister moved to Norfolk, VA and she says when it snows even a 1/2 inch that the place shuts down hard… schools, roads, you name it, they get shut due to the snow… anyways; she’s there in winter and hadn’t yet gotten a VA drivers license, she’s driving down the freeway doing 55-ish, and get pulled over for “driving too fast for the conditions”, and when she got out her license the cop just looked at her and said “OH!, You’re from Michigan… Sorry to bother you, have a nice day Ma’am” then turned and got back in his patrol car…

    • Fairportfan
      December 7, 2011, 10:18 am | # | Reply

      You must be pretty far south – here in Gainesville, it’s been in the mid-60s.

      • chibichibi
        December 8, 2011, 7:21 am | #

        Statesboro. Hot as hell yesterday… until it rained. YAY. Now i can have cold December weather!

  14. SoWhyMe
    December 7, 2011, 10:46 am | # | Reply

    What will come, will come. There’s snow use complaining about it.
    *Staring down pun jar with a whip and a chair*

    • Dave
      December 7, 2011, 11:28 am | # | Reply

      The Jar will getcha some night when you’re soundly asleep.

      Never diss a Pun Jar… they have long memories and a wicked sense of humor (and they hold warm water quite well!). 👿

      Save yourself, and pay now while there’s still time!

      • bmonk
        December 7, 2011, 12:14 pm | #

        The pun jar “used… sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and… satire. He was vicious.”

      • bmonk
        December 7, 2011, 5:20 pm | #

        (Extra credit for identifying the source of that quote–without searching the net! The pun jar knows whether you’ve been bad or good!)

      • Yamara
        December 7, 2011, 6:02 pm | #

        May I consult a giant hedgehog?

      • Dave
        December 7, 2011, 6:24 pm | #

        Is it sufficient evidence, that I recently pointed out that a particular Wapsiverse entity preferred to go by the name of “D******e”? or that the line you quoted has links to the Amazon?

      • bmonk
        December 8, 2011, 1:47 pm | #

        Do you really need to consult Dinsdale??

    • Julie
      December 7, 2011, 11:42 am | # | Reply

      Ooo…a feisty one! 🙂 It will be interesting to watch this battle. Pun Jar vs. SoWhyMe! Who is the more determined? Wait and see! (on pay-per-view channel 697). 😛

      • Ratcatcher
        December 12, 2011, 5:08 am | #

        Julie- ten bucks on the jar- to win!

  15. Centaur71
    December 7, 2011, 1:11 pm | # | Reply

    Remember all; ignorance and denial go hand-to-fist! Kev’s REALLY gonna get it now! >:-)

  16. Centaur71
    December 7, 2011, 1:13 pm | # | Reply

    BTW Julie, chaneel 697 is now PUN-per-view! (drops a nickel into jar and gallops away like hell!)

  17. kingklash
    December 7, 2011, 2:05 pm | # | Reply

    Yep, nothing attracts the attention of Synchronicity and Serendipity like scoffing someone else’s running gag. The Fates and their Agents do love a good Brick Joke.

  18. Bucc-i
    December 7, 2011, 7:55 pm | # | Reply

    In a world… in the land of lakes… in the DEAD of night! It comes….
    Snow!
    Coming… this spring!

    Somebody make a poster of this!

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